I just started reading Diary of a Drug Fiend. It was on the book shelf, and it caught my eye. According to the back, it is a story of a young man and woman who fall madly in love and whirl through Europe in a frenzied haze of herion/cocaine adventure. There's more to it, but that's not what i came here to share.
"I thought i would stand myself a little dinner. I hadn't quite enough sense to know that what I really wanted was human companions. There aren't such things. Every man is eternally alone. But when you get mixed up with a fairly decent crowd, you forget that appalling fact for long enough to give your brain time to recover from the acute symptoms of it's disease - that of thinking.
My old commander was right. I think a lot too much; so did Shakespeare. That's what worked him up to write those wonderful things about sleep. I've forgotten what they were; but they impressed me at the time. I said to myself, 'This old bird knew how dreadful it is to be conscious.'
So, when I turned into the café, I think the real reason was that I hoped to find somebody there, and talk the night out. People think that talking is a sign of thinking. It isn't, for the most part; on the contrary, it's a mechanical dodge of the body to relieve oneself of the strain of thinking, just as exercising the muscles helps the body to become temporarily unconscious of it's weight, its pain, its weariness, and the foreknowledge of its doom."
So that's that. I am in a state to agree all too well with some of the comments. Thinking is a desease of the brain. It is dreadful to be conscious. Talking relieves oneself of the strain of thinking.
Big whatever... I'm going to return to my book. God bless.
Receiving an email about an all night drug binge leaves me dry. Anxious. Jealous.
And I haven't exactly been johnny one-toke half-glass lately. I've been packing away what I’ve found. But I know what I’m missing.
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I guess I want you to worry. You in a very general sense. I believe that I have a grasp on who I am. On how much control I have over my life. And if you're going to worry about me because of the fears that come from a lack of certainty, a lack of information on your part, then so be it. I'm more then willing (without lies) to encourage the worry. I'll make it sound like I’m losing control because it's fun. I like the idea of people giving up their careful hopes for me, maybe even giving up a bit of the cautious hesitations that appear in their own lives.
Maybe I want talk about drugs to become crying wolf. I'm not going to say that I need help unless I believe I do. But if I can say that it took until quite recently to get cocaine out of my mind, or that there's been several outings where I’ve thought I’d be doing a lot better if I had some pills.
The more I talk about drugs, the less likely people are going to say "don’t die". Either through giving up hope for me, or understanding that I am okay, and don’t need their concern. I don’t mean to say that it angered me that I was told not to die; I think that's a great piece of advice. What does irk me is the thought that maybe these people genuinely believe that I’m not doing a good job running my life. That I’m being ignorant of the dangers of the world. That I’m in any way incorrect to have high hopes for drugs in my future. I like drugs. I think they're pretty great.
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I'm at Aine's house. In Aine's room. On Aine's laptop computer. And it's Friday, St. Patrick’s day. And its
By the way, I ran out of money. Dave is taking care of me, helping finish off a bus ticket to
Something to spare would be nice, as well. Before the planting money starts rolling in.
We're leaving for
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Sandamini is not interested in me because she knows that she wouldn't be the only girl for me. Although I can look at her, like her, and want to be closer, I know she's right. I know I’ve got other people in mind. Not when I see her though. But that doesn't matter.
There's a girl named
I think it's probably rude to call someone crazy to the nines. And I don’t want to say that I didn't enjoy her company. But even though the first impression was crazy, in time I came to see her more endearing qualities.
But I guess the point of these three, is that however drunk I was, I could never justify even trying to hit on Anne or Emily. And these were great looking, fun girls.
Stacy Cahill has made every short list of girls I’ve ever drawn up. And while that may not be true (I don’t when or where I’ve drawn up girl lists), she's someone that I could easily dig for a while. I love to look at her. I think she's something special.
I have no problem listing girls that mean a lot to me. I could say them in the same breath, and mean every one of them. I could write paragraphs about the individual interactions with each girl. I could talk about how each of them makes me feel. And I would surely enjoy the thought process I’d undergo.
I guess I just don’t feel incapable of loving more then one person. Jenny, Aine, Natalie, Jenna, Andrea, Jenn, Emily, Kait, Sarah, Heather. Different feelings, or different routes to the same feeling. It's still special. If I can name 10 girls that I’d like to spend an evening with, I would hate the idea of these girls feeling slighted because they were just "1 in 10". Because they're not, they'd be chosen, they'd be thought about because they're amazing. Really something else.
Unfortunately, I don’t think many people think this way. Sandamini won’t have me, because she knows she's not my one and only. I can’t hold that against her, she’s right. Hell, I saw this girl on the bus today, exchanged a plethora of glances with her, and I was just stuck on her. I'm either frightfully immature, or I’ve found myself unable to see eye to eye with the ethics of the majority. Or maybe people have learned that it's better to hurt yourself then to hurt someone you love.
Love is fleeting. But I think it's really special. And I don’t like the idea that other loves I have in my life should be reason to give anything but full respect for the feelings I feel towards an individual at any particular moment.
Enjoy your green puke, nation.
Word, brother. Word, sister. Word.
I'm in toronto. Ottawa was fun. Hanging and chilling, mostly. Somewhere along the way I've done E and Cocaine. And i like them both. Cocaine is all about desire. Once you have a line it just wants you. Not instantly, mind you. The first line feels kinda nice, kinda average. I expected explosions of feeling and color, but it's not like that at all. But damn, 15 minutes later, 25 minutes later, do you ever want another line.
It's kind of weird sounding, but the joy from doing cocaine comes from the relief of the desire to do cocaine. Desire that you never had until you did the first line. Every line is a burst of increadable freedom from desire. But the desire didn't exist until the first line was done/wearing off. That's my take on it, anyway. It was one night, i'm no scholor.
Ex was really sweet. It seemed like such a professional drug, if that makes sense. It was uncompromised joy for a number of hours. I call the best parts of being on mushrooms 'sailing'. I was told that on E, the feeling is known as 'vibing'. I think they're very similar. But mushrooms are more natural, there's swings. I never got real low on mush, but there are highs and lows of a mushroom experience. There's pangs of fear, which are occasionally off putting. But keeping your head in check makes mush fine. My experience with E makes me think it's almost consequenceless. You just go up for a while, then you come down. I feel like i was a little out of energy over the next chunk of time though. But i was smoking alot of weed and tobacco, and spent the majority of my post E time in a car or on a couch, so energy may not have had opportunity to exist.
Good Times/Bad Times
Dave and I went to the greyhound in ottawa to get our luggage. They didn't have my guitar. I'm pretty sad about it. Having hours and hours of free time doesn't help me miss it any less.
I'm genuinely pretty sad, just thought i'd letcha know.
Maybe blogging sad is a little like shopping hungry. It's just something you shouldn't do.
Graceful step away.
I'll try and do better with keeping this updated.