Ever since i saw kill bill volume one, i've had a slight urge to bleed. It's kinda weird i admit, but it seemed to me like blood played a huge role in the first movie, and it seemed like her bleeding was a catalyst of sorts for her to get a surge of energy.
But now and for a long time running, my skin remains unpierced. Jynx.
I remain confident in my future though, because i think i'm capable of loving, and i think i'm loveable.
But as far as what to do in terms of individual situations, i'm a confused mess. Hopefully when i see my girl there'll be no doubts.
After not too much thought, these are the products that i want. These are all things i want for myself, in a very selfish manor. I think that someday i'll have many of these things, but i dont know when.
Ibanez JTK1 Electric Guitar - This guitar isn't too expensive, it's just really super sharp looking, and i think if i had an amp that was kick ass, then the guitar would sound great anyway.
Taylor 710ce - i figured i should put an acoustic electric on this list. And i had some trouble finding pretty pictures on the takamine website, so alas, i fell back on my classic 710. She's very pretty.
Line6 Delay Modeler (x2) - this is a really rad pedal. It lets you loop yourself over yourself. I want two cause i want to be able to loop guitar tracks over themselves, and loop vocal tracks over themselves. I want to be able to mimic the pedal stylings of howie day. But the musical stylings will remain my own.
I'm not digging this list as much as i thought i would. I thought i would be able to find all the things i wanted on some online music store, then list them, and have some sort of price at the end. But i dont really have that going so far, so it's kinda lost it's appeal to me.
I really want to try my hand at the turn tables. I want a microphone and stand. I want two sweet amps, one for my acoustic electric that i dont have, and one for my electric guitar i dont have.
And i want a high hat. Just a high hat. I already have two pairs of drum sticks. I dont need a whole set, just something to bang away at, get the feet involved. If i get good at the high hat, then i'll buy a snare. If i get good at the snare, then maybe a bass would be cool. And at that point, i could just get a handful of toms and a few cymbols. But that can all wait. I just need a high hat. And i could fool around with that for a while i think.
And i really want, and will likely buy this summer, a mini disk recorder. A sony 810 or something. It's pretty rad. And i'll need a mic with it, the sterio mics are 99.99. The mini disk recorder was 399.99 but they've got new stock coming in now, so last i saw it was 349.99. But i still can't get it, cause i have to pay for school, and electricity and heat and stuff.
I think if i had to look at an order. I'd be looking at getting the mini disk recorder and mic first, maybe an electric guitar and an amp at some point next year. I'll probably get super into the electric, and forget about the acoustic electric for a bit. I'll get the pedals. I'll get the mic. (i hope this all happens next year in bc). Everything else doesn't really matter in terms of time, i'll either get the high hat or the acoustic electric.
Wow. I think the thing i like the most about this post is how undeniably great it is. Undeniable.
I didn't say that drugs have done positive things for me. I have no idea what acts in my life have been good for me. I find that on the personal level it's nearly impossible to impart judgement on your own changes. Maybe things that you've done in the past were good for you, maybe things that you've done have been bad for you. It's very easy to judge other people based on how your decisions have affected you, but can you judge your own past based on your current thoughts of who you are? That's kind of an impartial judgement. If you're happy, then you'll likely look at your entire past as leading up to your happiness, in that light, you'll have done nothing wrong. If you're unhappy, then you're possibly dwelling on what has made you unhappy, and likely regret these things.
Side note: the past is the past, the future is the future, everybody dance.
Two major ways i look at a judging of self: One way to look at it is that i like who i am now, so i dont regret anything in my past because my past has made me who i am. But another aspect would be to say that i was born how i am, and my experiences throughout my life, good or bad, drugs included, have either opened me up to discovering who i am, or have shrouded up my path of self discovery. In this second case, to put it bluntly, bad decisions are the ones you make where you do not come to further understand yourself. Good choices alow you to see yourself, and the world around you, more clearly.
Maybe my pursuit of something more then what i traditionally see and feel (the pursuit which led me to drugs) is what has led me to be open minded. I think this pursuit of self discovery continued on and has led me to a desire for acid. However, i wonder if my finding God while on my journey of self discovery means that i should no longer try to study myself and that i should look to the world around me at this point. But at the same time, i wonder if i still have alot to learn about me. Who knows. I dont. Do you?
Acid: Josh, i have been cautious. I've done a good bit of reading; I would like to talk to more people who have done acid to get more of an account on personal experiences, but as of now (and any other time), i dont think there's reason to be concerned for my well being.
Bottom line, right now i'm in a situation where my past has led me to believe that sensory experimentation leads me to greater knowledge, and yet the religious teachings i've found tell me to avoid intoxicants.
Therein lies the conflict.
I've still not yet asked any religious sources for further explanation of 'intoxicants'. So that could breathe fresh air into the discussion. Or perhaps YOU could. Comment away.
Later friendlies.
I think that Jeff Buckley's "hallelujah" is currently my favorite song. When he sings of the minor fall and the major lift, it is really moving. At least between my ears it is. I recommend that he be given a shot by anyone and everyone.
On one hand, i feel like i should stop using drugs and alcohol. On the other hand, i feel like my openness to use drugs and alcohol has been the catalyst in many of the positive changes in my life. I think the only reason that i feel i should stop using is because the Quran isn't so much a fan of intoxicants. But i think i might send an email to have that looked into, because the book mostly speaks of gambling and alcohol, and i'm not sure which drugs would fall under the Quran definition of intoxicants, or if all would. Because i really want to give acid a go. And i feel as though mushrooms have done me nothing but good. So it's sort of a personal opinion against religious truth conflict. And it's the first i've had to deal with.
So yeah, that's current.
he will hate one and love the other; he will be
loyal to one and despise the other. You cannot
serve both God and money." - LUKE 16:13
Well said.
> FULL NAME: Simon Joseph Newton (at least for the time being)
> BIRTHDAY: June 4, 1983
> WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? That the end of days will come before any of my friends and family are ready for it.
> DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? nope.
> YOUR PERFECT MAN/WOMAN? I tried hard to come up with an answer. I suppose i'd like a woman who is a reminder of how lucky i am to be alive.
> MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: These are hard questions. I dont think i have an answer.
FUTURE KIDS' NAMES: havn't thought about it.
> DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? quite well
> YOU EVER HATED ANY PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? No.
FAVORITES
> ICE CREAM: Chocolate chip mint.
> DINNER: i like a variety of foods.
> VEGETABLE: artchokes are good.
> FAST FOOD: I'd currently have to say extreme pita, i like mine with lots of humous and feta cheese. Tasty.
> CANDY: Rockets have always been good to me.
> BEVERAGE: orange and apple juices. Cran Grape ocean spray. kokanee. Water.
> MOVIE: adaptation, momento, i've only seen each of them once, but i enjoyed thinking about them long after the movie was over. I've liked lots of movies.
> TV SHOWS: The daily show and six feet under are worth mentioning
> TALK SHOW: host.
> ACTRESS: I dig the chick from chasing amy.
> ACTOR: Kevin spacey is rad, Jason Lee rules.
> SINGERS: Recently: I really like the new Brand New album. Of course thom and dave. And i'd like to say that the mars volta is really something special.
> COLOURS: Green and Orange.
> JEWELLERY: Bling.
> SPORTS: Hockey, Basketball.
> ANIMAL: I think kittens are sweet. I like dogs alot though. I miss cinder.
> FLOWER: I want to try some of those edible flowers.
> BRAND OF SHOES: I think this year i'm going to work with sandals. wish me luck.
> PERFUME/COLOGNE: Au natural.
> CAR: My uncle got an audi which is pretty nice, but i dont really have a favorite.
> CAREER: Life. Expression. Feeling.
> GOING TO COLLEGE? I'm so there.
> WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD? I couldn't say, really. And i'm more then happy to not venture a guess.
HAVE YOU EVER.......
> LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? I dont know if i've ever loved someone. At least in the way i think the question is assuming. If i have though, then it's not the love that made me cry, it would be the lack of it's return.
> DRANK ALCOHOL? sure have.
> SMOKED? I have.
> DONE DRUGS? Drugs are bad.
> BROKEN THE LAW? I dont think i've ever broken any rules that i've set around myself. I've broken some laws though, in terms of drug use, or buying alcohol for minors, or jaywalking, or speeding, or other cheesy stuff like that. But its all cheesy, so i'm still gravy.
> RAN AWAY FROM HOME? I dont think i could've ran if i tried, my mom would still support me. Incidently i just flew away from home, and it feels great.
> BROKEN A BONE? does a tooth count? Otherwise no.
> CHEATED ON TEST? I sure have, sacha craig caught me, in grade 4. I might've cheated on some other ones too.
> SKINNY DIPPED? I have, and it's fun. I suggest you try it.
> PLAYED STRIP POKER? I have, but never in a real game, with dedicated people.
>PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? You bet. And i'd do it again.
> FLASHED SOMEONE: Well, i suppose at one time or another i've playfully showed someone my nipples, but that's not that interesting.
> MOONED SOMEONE: nope
> KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDNT KNOW: Yeah, and i got fucking mono, and it sucked ass.
> BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? not really. A little bit of a grade 6 paul lipton tustle, but nothing important.
> RODE IN A POLICE CAR? nope
> BEEN ON A PLANE? yeah
> COME CLOSE TO DYING? I've never felt like i was. I had pnemonia when i was young, had a temp of 105, i think 108 or 109 will do it, but i dont think it was anything worth worrying about. it wasn't my time.
> CHEATED ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER: I wouldn't say that i have.
> BEEN IN A SAUNA? Yeah, what're you going to do about it?
> BEEN IN A HOT TUB? All my tubs are hot. bizitch.
> SWAM IN THE OCEAN? atlantic and pacific
> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ABORTION? i was always pro choice, but now i'm not sure. It's surprising how much a valued opinion can make you second guess your own.
> CLASSICAL? I dont think i understand how to answer.
> OLDIES? well, there's some good some bad. I'm not as acquanted with them as with newer music though.
> SOAP OPERAS? yay for pretty people.
> THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU? JC, good stuff.
> AIRPLANES: Lucky.
> AMUSEMENT PARKS? upset stomach
WHAT IS YOUR......
> GOOD LUCK CHARM? Open eyes, upturned mouth corners.
> MOST EMBARRASSING TAPE/C.D IN YOUR COLLECTION? I dont know if i have anything embarassing, simply because i've misplaced my TLC crazy sexy cool cd..
> BEDROOM LIKE? holy made bed!
> SECRET CRUSH? That'd be kinda nice.
> MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? yamaha F-310
ARE YOU A.......
> VEGETARIAN? nope.
> GOOD STUDENT? nope.
> GOOD DRIVER? yes.
> GOOD AT SPORTS? I believe i am.
> GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS? I think so. I did take drama in high school.
> DEEP SLEEPER? sure am.
> GOOD DANCER? I got complimented on my dancing on st pattys day. Fo' shizzle.
>SHY? I think i've been doing better with that. I certainly have shyness in my past though.
> GOOD STORYTELLER? I definately am sometimes.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD.....
> CHICKEN POX? yeah
> STREP THROAT? nope
> COLD? hasn't everyone?
> STITCHES? yeah
>BLOODY NOSE? i can't recall having one.
> SURGERY? nope.
> SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU? My friends, and the feeling is surely mutual.
DO YOU......
> ENJOY PARKS? yes.
> ENJOY PICNICS? I havn't had enough. And yes.
> LIKE SCHOOL? This would be a no, but... or a yes, except... answer. Some things are good, some are not. I can't wait to be through with it, i know that much.
> COLLECT ANYTHING? I dont.
> LIKE TO SHOP? I like exchanging money for things i want, but i dont think i could say i like shopping. I kinda like getting groceries.
> LIKE TO PARTY? I do.
> EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? I dont think so.
> ANYTHING PIERCED: nope
> KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 BILLION DOLLARS? 15 billion eh... does the number really matter by that point? And no.
>IF YOU WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND, WHICH PERSON WOULD YOU WANT WITH YOU? I have alot of great friends, but i'd probably have to go with a chick of some sort.
> IF YOUR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE, WHAT THREE THINGS WOULD YOU TAKE FROM YOUR ROOM: I dont know, most of this stuff seems pretty replaceable. My guitar is downstairs, btw.
> ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A SMUTTY MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? Would i actually have sex with the chicks, or would it just be some sort of stupid fake sex. Cause fake sex would be kind of retarded. I can't imagine having to make stupid faces and moan and shit while some girl rides my belly button and i touch her nipples.
>WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Dr. Fungus, Tock-sword, Fillmore, Twin leg, Jack, Smig, Brownish, PEI #2 (or just #2), Git-fiddler, knuckles, salmon, plywood, Isaac, stitch, Flacid, Si-Guy, Sumbud, Simon The Likeable, and slim.
"Y'know, if i wasn't so happy, i'd probably be pretty messed up cause of all my insecurities"
that's what i think, anyway.
So now i'm going to look through my little book that i had in bc, that i wrote lyrics in for my first semester of school away from home, and i'm going to write down a few things that suprised me to read again. Cheers.
This first one requires a bit of explanation, in that during the few days of residence before school started, there were little games to get to know eachother, these little games had little prises. And by getting shaving cream off a balloon with a razor that was held in my teeth, i won a little cup on a string, and it was yellow with a smiley face on it. And i quote:
"I feel like cutting my leg, and letting the blood flow into my smiley face cup and putting a knife in the side of it and hanging it on my door knob. Dont ask why."
if you leave you should know i wont follow you
if or when i make it there i wont remember you.
It is endless following you. You'll be there, one step ahead, watching my world unfold. I have gone overboard. Instruction you brought me. Destruction you brought me.
it's okay to laugh, i'm glad you're happy. I'm over this.
you think you can call to me and i will come home
you think cause you fall for me that i am your own.
I'm not sure if you'll live to realize this, but you'll never meet someone like me.
I want to dig away so i can have my own loud place - I like this one.
You can't make me think this is about sex. You put me on the spot to sweet talk you. I froze, i couldn't think, so i just kissed you. You asked me with a grin if i thought that that would do. So i kissed you again. - true story.
you bring a smile to my sleepless nights.
The following thing is what i'm going to end with, cause it's the page that made me want to write this post in the first place. Everytime i read this page it sorta suprises me, cause i know i was really intent on what i was doing when i was writing the words down, so it's like i read it with full awareness that it meant something to me at one point. And i quote:
It will be okay
I love you
I'm sorry
I miss you
I don't see your faults
I'm botteling up my emotions
This is hard
I'm sorry
I'm cold.
I'm weak.
I want to be held.
And i hate it.
I'm weak
It's not fair
Life is empty.
My unhappiness is an example of my imprefection. This isn't me. Don't think it is. Please.
--------------------------------------------------------
the last line is written vertically on the right hand side of the page. I'm not sure what i felt in particular when writing that down, but in hindslight it looks alot like a cop-out. the part that sticks out the most in my mind is "i want to be held. and i hate it." It seems like i'm being pretty hard on myself there.
Anyhoo. i'm fleeced.
Or maybe (the more positive reasoning which i'll try and believe) they do care, and i just shouldn't expect them to show it all the time.
I really dont like myself when i think that negative sort of way. The whole "if they liked and respected me as much as i like and respect them, then they'd write me back, or say something comforting, or they'd do this, or they'd do that" is a terrible way of thinking. I dont know what is going on in other people's lives, and i shouldn't assume they know what's going on in mine.
Sometimes i hesitate to write someone or say something to someone, because i assume i'll get a negative reaction. I think people will wonder why i would step up and say something to them. I think people will think to themselves that I'm not important enough to them to try and talk to them this way or that way. It's not really a negative thing for an individual to not care about me, i mean there's billions of people who will never know who i am. It's just that there's some people that i think i've made a connection with, and i really can't be sure whether they feel the same.
I think bottom line, is that i dont know how much i matter to people. And i often assume that people matter to me more then i matter to them. That's a pretty shitty way to think.
By the way, there's certainly a number of people for which this doesn't apply. There's a solid handful of people where I've never second guessed the importance of our friendship in their eyes. These people aren't necessarily my best friends, they're just people where i've never had a second thought to how much i matter to them.
There's some people that i love a great deal that i wouldn't put in this list, just because from time to time, i really can't tell if there is a bond between us. And i dont know if anyone would assume this, but that's really hard for me.
Since these are people that i really do care about, it would be especially hard to write an email or speak to them to try and find out how much they value me. Because i just wouldn't have enough confidence in their answer, and i'd be worried i'd "weird them out" by coming on too strong, even in a friendly manor. Or i could just offend them by letting them know that i dont know how they feel towards me.
I think i might let myself dwell on stupid thoughts sometimes. I dont suspect it'll matter long term though.
Keep it different.
But now and for a long time running, my skin remains unpierced. Jynx.
If it wasn't for girls, i'd swear that i had the world figured out. Girls are my source of passion, worry, regret and anticipation. And i've never known what to do.
I remain confident in my future though, because i think i'm capable of loving, and i think i'm loveable.
But as far as what to do in terms of individual situations, i'm a confused mess. Hopefully when i see my girl there'll be no doubts.
It's a material world, and yes, i am a material girl.
After not too much thought, these are the products that i want. These are all things i want for myself, in a very selfish manor. I think that someday i'll have many of these things, but i dont know when.
Ibanez JTK1 Electric Guitar - This guitar isn't too expensive, it's just really super sharp looking, and i think if i had an amp that was kick ass, then the guitar would sound great anyway.
Taylor 710ce - i figured i should put an acoustic electric on this list. And i had some trouble finding pretty pictures on the takamine website, so alas, i fell back on my classic 710. She's very pretty.
Line6 Delay Modeler (x2) - this is a really rad pedal. It lets you loop yourself over yourself. I want two cause i want to be able to loop guitar tracks over themselves, and loop vocal tracks over themselves. I want to be able to mimic the pedal stylings of howie day. But the musical stylings will remain my own.
I'm not digging this list as much as i thought i would. I thought i would be able to find all the things i wanted on some online music store, then list them, and have some sort of price at the end. But i dont really have that going so far, so it's kinda lost it's appeal to me.
I really want to try my hand at the turn tables. I want a microphone and stand. I want two sweet amps, one for my acoustic electric that i dont have, and one for my electric guitar i dont have.
And i want a high hat. Just a high hat. I already have two pairs of drum sticks. I dont need a whole set, just something to bang away at, get the feet involved. If i get good at the high hat, then i'll buy a snare. If i get good at the snare, then maybe a bass would be cool. And at that point, i could just get a handful of toms and a few cymbols. But that can all wait. I just need a high hat. And i could fool around with that for a while i think.
And i really want, and will likely buy this summer, a mini disk recorder. A sony 810 or something. It's pretty rad. And i'll need a mic with it, the sterio mics are 99.99. The mini disk recorder was 399.99 but they've got new stock coming in now, so last i saw it was 349.99. But i still can't get it, cause i have to pay for school, and electricity and heat and stuff.
I think if i had to look at an order. I'd be looking at getting the mini disk recorder and mic first, maybe an electric guitar and an amp at some point next year. I'll probably get super into the electric, and forget about the acoustic electric for a bit. I'll get the pedals. I'll get the mic. (i hope this all happens next year in bc). Everything else doesn't really matter in terms of time, i'll either get the high hat or the acoustic electric.
Wow. I think the thing i like the most about this post is how undeniably great it is. Undeniable.
This post was once a comment, but again, i typed too much. So here she lies.
I didn't say that drugs have done positive things for me. I have no idea what acts in my life have been good for me. I find that on the personal level it's nearly impossible to impart judgement on your own changes. Maybe things that you've done in the past were good for you, maybe things that you've done have been bad for you. It's very easy to judge other people based on how your decisions have affected you, but can you judge your own past based on your current thoughts of who you are? That's kind of an impartial judgement. If you're happy, then you'll likely look at your entire past as leading up to your happiness, in that light, you'll have done nothing wrong. If you're unhappy, then you're possibly dwelling on what has made you unhappy, and likely regret these things.
Side note: the past is the past, the future is the future, everybody dance.
Two major ways i look at a judging of self: One way to look at it is that i like who i am now, so i dont regret anything in my past because my past has made me who i am. But another aspect would be to say that i was born how i am, and my experiences throughout my life, good or bad, drugs included, have either opened me up to discovering who i am, or have shrouded up my path of self discovery. In this second case, to put it bluntly, bad decisions are the ones you make where you do not come to further understand yourself. Good choices alow you to see yourself, and the world around you, more clearly.
Maybe my pursuit of something more then what i traditionally see and feel (the pursuit which led me to drugs) is what has led me to be open minded. I think this pursuit of self discovery continued on and has led me to a desire for acid. However, i wonder if my finding God while on my journey of self discovery means that i should no longer try to study myself and that i should look to the world around me at this point. But at the same time, i wonder if i still have alot to learn about me. Who knows. I dont. Do you?
Acid: Josh, i have been cautious. I've done a good bit of reading; I would like to talk to more people who have done acid to get more of an account on personal experiences, but as of now (and any other time), i dont think there's reason to be concerned for my well being.
Bottom line, right now i'm in a situation where my past has led me to believe that sensory experimentation leads me to greater knowledge, and yet the religious teachings i've found tell me to avoid intoxicants.
Therein lies the conflict.
I've still not yet asked any religious sources for further explanation of 'intoxicants'. So that could breathe fresh air into the discussion. Or perhaps YOU could. Comment away.
Later friendlies.
All work and no play makes jack a dull boy.
I think that Jeff Buckley's "hallelujah" is currently my favorite song. When he sings of the minor fall and the major lift, it is really moving. At least between my ears it is. I recommend that he be given a shot by anyone and everyone.
On one hand, i feel like i should stop using drugs and alcohol. On the other hand, i feel like my openness to use drugs and alcohol has been the catalyst in many of the positive changes in my life. I think the only reason that i feel i should stop using is because the Quran isn't so much a fan of intoxicants. But i think i might send an email to have that looked into, because the book mostly speaks of gambling and alcohol, and i'm not sure which drugs would fall under the Quran definition of intoxicants, or if all would. Because i really want to give acid a go. And i feel as though mushrooms have done me nothing but good. So it's sort of a personal opinion against religious truth conflict. And it's the first i've had to deal with.
So yeah, that's current.
"No servant can be the slave of two masters;
he will hate one and love the other; he will be
loyal to one and despise the other. You cannot
serve both God and money." - LUKE 16:13
Well said.
A LITTLE ABOUT YOU...
> FULL NAME: Simon Joseph Newton (at least for the time being)
> BIRTHDAY: June 4, 1983
> WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? That the end of days will come before any of my friends and family are ready for it.
> DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS OR GLASSES? nope.
> YOUR PERFECT MAN/WOMAN? I tried hard to come up with an answer. I suppose i'd like a woman who is a reminder of how lucky i am to be alive.
> MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: These are hard questions. I dont think i have an answer.
FUTURE KIDS' NAMES: havn't thought about it.
> DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR FAMILY? quite well
> YOU EVER HATED ANY PERSON IN YOUR FAMILY? No.
FAVORITES
> ICE CREAM: Chocolate chip mint.
> DINNER: i like a variety of foods.
> VEGETABLE: artchokes are good.
> FAST FOOD: I'd currently have to say extreme pita, i like mine with lots of humous and feta cheese. Tasty.
> CANDY: Rockets have always been good to me.
> BEVERAGE: orange and apple juices. Cran Grape ocean spray. kokanee. Water.
> MOVIE: adaptation, momento, i've only seen each of them once, but i enjoyed thinking about them long after the movie was over. I've liked lots of movies.
> TV SHOWS: The daily show and six feet under are worth mentioning
> TALK SHOW: host.
> ACTRESS: I dig the chick from chasing amy.
> ACTOR: Kevin spacey is rad, Jason Lee rules.
> SINGERS: Recently: I really like the new Brand New album. Of course thom and dave. And i'd like to say that the mars volta is really something special.
> COLOURS: Green and Orange.
> JEWELLERY: Bling.
> SPORTS: Hockey, Basketball.
> ANIMAL: I think kittens are sweet. I like dogs alot though. I miss cinder.
> FLOWER: I want to try some of those edible flowers.
> BRAND OF SHOES: I think this year i'm going to work with sandals. wish me luck.
> PERFUME/COLOGNE: Au natural.
> CAR: My uncle got an audi which is pretty nice, but i dont really have a favorite.
> CAREER: Life. Expression. Feeling.
> GOING TO COLLEGE? I'm so there.
> WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF 10 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD? I couldn't say, really. And i'm more then happy to not venture a guess.
HAVE YOU EVER.......
> LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH IT MADE YOU CRY? I dont know if i've ever loved someone. At least in the way i think the question is assuming. If i have though, then it's not the love that made me cry, it would be the lack of it's return.
> DRANK ALCOHOL? sure have.
> SMOKED? I have.
> DONE DRUGS? Drugs are bad.
> BROKEN THE LAW? I dont think i've ever broken any rules that i've set around myself. I've broken some laws though, in terms of drug use, or buying alcohol for minors, or jaywalking, or speeding, or other cheesy stuff like that. But its all cheesy, so i'm still gravy.
> RAN AWAY FROM HOME? I dont think i could've ran if i tried, my mom would still support me. Incidently i just flew away from home, and it feels great.
> BROKEN A BONE? does a tooth count? Otherwise no.
> CHEATED ON TEST? I sure have, sacha craig caught me, in grade 4. I might've cheated on some other ones too.
> SKINNY DIPPED? I have, and it's fun. I suggest you try it.
> PLAYED STRIP POKER? I have, but never in a real game, with dedicated people.
>PLAYED TRUTH OR DARE? You bet. And i'd do it again.
> FLASHED SOMEONE: Well, i suppose at one time or another i've playfully showed someone my nipples, but that's not that interesting.
> MOONED SOMEONE: nope
> KISSED SOMEONE YOU DIDNT KNOW: Yeah, and i got fucking mono, and it sucked ass.
> BEEN IN A PHYSICAL FIGHT? not really. A little bit of a grade 6 paul lipton tustle, but nothing important.
> RODE IN A POLICE CAR? nope
> BEEN ON A PLANE? yeah
> COME CLOSE TO DYING? I've never felt like i was. I had pnemonia when i was young, had a temp of 105, i think 108 or 109 will do it, but i dont think it was anything worth worrying about. it wasn't my time.
> CHEATED ON YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER: I wouldn't say that i have.
> BEEN IN A SAUNA? Yeah, what're you going to do about it?
> BEEN IN A HOT TUB? All my tubs are hot. bizitch.
> SWAM IN THE OCEAN? atlantic and pacific
> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ABORTION? i was always pro choice, but now i'm not sure. It's surprising how much a valued opinion can make you second guess your own.
> CLASSICAL? I dont think i understand how to answer.
> OLDIES? well, there's some good some bad. I'm not as acquanted with them as with newer music though.
> SOAP OPERAS? yay for pretty people.
> THE PERSON THAT SENT THIS TO YOU? JC, good stuff.
> AIRPLANES: Lucky.
> AMUSEMENT PARKS? upset stomach
WHAT IS YOUR......
> GOOD LUCK CHARM? Open eyes, upturned mouth corners.
> MOST EMBARRASSING TAPE/C.D IN YOUR COLLECTION? I dont know if i have anything embarassing, simply because i've misplaced my TLC crazy sexy cool cd..
> BEDROOM LIKE? holy made bed!
> SECRET CRUSH? That'd be kinda nice.
> MOST PRIZED POSSESSION? yamaha F-310
ARE YOU A.......
> VEGETARIAN? nope.
> GOOD STUDENT? nope.
> GOOD DRIVER? yes.
> GOOD AT SPORTS? I believe i am.
> GOOD ACTOR/ACTRESS? I think so. I did take drama in high school.
> DEEP SLEEPER? sure am.
> GOOD DANCER? I got complimented on my dancing on st pattys day. Fo' shizzle.
>SHY? I think i've been doing better with that. I certainly have shyness in my past though.
> GOOD STORYTELLER? I definately am sometimes.
HAVE YOU EVER HAD.....
> CHICKEN POX? yeah
> STREP THROAT? nope
> COLD? hasn't everyone?
> STITCHES? yeah
>BLOODY NOSE? i can't recall having one.
> SURGERY? nope.
> SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR FAMILY SAY THEY LOVE YOU? My friends, and the feeling is surely mutual.
DO YOU......
> ENJOY PARKS? yes.
> ENJOY PICNICS? I havn't had enough. And yes.
> LIKE SCHOOL? This would be a no, but... or a yes, except... answer. Some things are good, some are not. I can't wait to be through with it, i know that much.
> COLLECT ANYTHING? I dont.
> LIKE TO SHOP? I like exchanging money for things i want, but i dont think i could say i like shopping. I kinda like getting groceries.
> LIKE TO PARTY? I do.
> EAT A LIVE HAMSTER FOR A MILLION DOLLARS? I dont think so.
> ANYTHING PIERCED: nope
> KILL SOMEONE YOU DIDN'T KNOW FOR 15 BILLION DOLLARS? 15 billion eh... does the number really matter by that point? And no.
>IF YOU WERE STUCK ON AN ISLAND, WHICH PERSON WOULD YOU WANT WITH YOU? I have alot of great friends, but i'd probably have to go with a chick of some sort.
> IF YOUR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE, WHAT THREE THINGS WOULD YOU TAKE FROM YOUR ROOM: I dont know, most of this stuff seems pretty replaceable. My guitar is downstairs, btw.
> ANYONE OFFERED YOU A SMALL PART IN A SMUTTY MOVIE WOULD YOU ACCEPT? Would i actually have sex with the chicks, or would it just be some sort of stupid fake sex. Cause fake sex would be kind of retarded. I can't imagine having to make stupid faces and moan and shit while some girl rides my belly button and i touch her nipples.
>WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Dr. Fungus, Tock-sword, Fillmore, Twin leg, Jack, Smig, Brownish, PEI #2 (or just #2), Git-fiddler, knuckles, salmon, plywood, Isaac, stitch, Flacid, Si-Guy, Sumbud, Simon The Likeable, and slim.
"Y'know, if i wasn't so happy, i'd probably be pretty messed up cause of all my insecurities"
sometimes i become suprised with things i've written. These are likely the best things i write. Cause if i read something, and i dont see it coming, then it must've been purely what i felt at the time, and i was able to get it out of my system far enough so that i forgot i ever felt it.
that's what i think, anyway.
So now i'm going to look through my little book that i had in bc, that i wrote lyrics in for my first semester of school away from home, and i'm going to write down a few things that suprised me to read again. Cheers.
This first one requires a bit of explanation, in that during the few days of residence before school started, there were little games to get to know eachother, these little games had little prises. And by getting shaving cream off a balloon with a razor that was held in my teeth, i won a little cup on a string, and it was yellow with a smiley face on it. And i quote:
"I feel like cutting my leg, and letting the blood flow into my smiley face cup and putting a knife in the side of it and hanging it on my door knob. Dont ask why."
if you leave you should know i wont follow you
if or when i make it there i wont remember you.
It is endless following you. You'll be there, one step ahead, watching my world unfold. I have gone overboard. Instruction you brought me. Destruction you brought me.
it's okay to laugh, i'm glad you're happy. I'm over this.
you think you can call to me and i will come home
you think cause you fall for me that i am your own.
I'm not sure if you'll live to realize this, but you'll never meet someone like me.
I want to dig away so i can have my own loud place - I like this one.
You can't make me think this is about sex. You put me on the spot to sweet talk you. I froze, i couldn't think, so i just kissed you. You asked me with a grin if i thought that that would do. So i kissed you again. - true story.
you bring a smile to my sleepless nights.
The following thing is what i'm going to end with, cause it's the page that made me want to write this post in the first place. Everytime i read this page it sorta suprises me, cause i know i was really intent on what i was doing when i was writing the words down, so it's like i read it with full awareness that it meant something to me at one point. And i quote:
It will be okay
I love you
I'm sorry
I miss you
I don't see your faults
I'm botteling up my emotions
This is hard
I'm sorry
I'm cold.
I'm weak.
I want to be held.
And i hate it.
I'm weak
It's not fair
Life is empty.
My unhappiness is an example of my imprefection. This isn't me. Don't think it is. Please.
--------------------------------------------------------
the last line is written vertically on the right hand side of the page. I'm not sure what i felt in particular when writing that down, but in hindslight it looks alot like a cop-out. the part that sticks out the most in my mind is "i want to be held. and i hate it." It seems like i'm being pretty hard on myself there.
Anyhoo. i'm fleeced.
Sometimes i think if people knew me, like really really knew me, then they'd care about me for sure. But maybe some people just don't, and if i try to show them who i am, then i'm wasting my time and theirs.
Or maybe (the more positive reasoning which i'll try and believe) they do care, and i just shouldn't expect them to show it all the time.
I really dont like myself when i think that negative sort of way. The whole "if they liked and respected me as much as i like and respect them, then they'd write me back, or say something comforting, or they'd do this, or they'd do that" is a terrible way of thinking. I dont know what is going on in other people's lives, and i shouldn't assume they know what's going on in mine.
Sometimes i hesitate to write someone or say something to someone, because i assume i'll get a negative reaction. I think people will wonder why i would step up and say something to them. I think people will think to themselves that I'm not important enough to them to try and talk to them this way or that way. It's not really a negative thing for an individual to not care about me, i mean there's billions of people who will never know who i am. It's just that there's some people that i think i've made a connection with, and i really can't be sure whether they feel the same.
I think bottom line, is that i dont know how much i matter to people. And i often assume that people matter to me more then i matter to them. That's a pretty shitty way to think.
By the way, there's certainly a number of people for which this doesn't apply. There's a solid handful of people where I've never second guessed the importance of our friendship in their eyes. These people aren't necessarily my best friends, they're just people where i've never had a second thought to how much i matter to them.
There's some people that i love a great deal that i wouldn't put in this list, just because from time to time, i really can't tell if there is a bond between us. And i dont know if anyone would assume this, but that's really hard for me.
Since these are people that i really do care about, it would be especially hard to write an email or speak to them to try and find out how much they value me. Because i just wouldn't have enough confidence in their answer, and i'd be worried i'd "weird them out" by coming on too strong, even in a friendly manor. Or i could just offend them by letting them know that i dont know how they feel towards me.
I think i might let myself dwell on stupid thoughts sometimes. I dont suspect it'll matter long term though.
Keep it different.