Trip went well, all is well.
i realize this is dull, but nothing has happened.
talk to everyone later.
hello time bomb.
I've been waiting for some time to not want to leave. I've found it strange and unsettleing that i've been nothing but looking forward to getting away from this place. Now i'm starting to have at least some feelings of regret and fear about being away from my friends. One might think that it's bad that i'm thinking this, But i'm happy that i am, because it's the right thing to be feeling now.
i love you guys
any thoughts? i was intregued by the statement.
i think i'm best knowing that there's no chance, so as to not waste efforts.
"you wont choke if you never breath,
you wont fall if you never stand up.
you wont fail without hopes
you can't die if you've never lived"
Eat that chicken little.
I wouldn't enjoy sex with a man at all.
can somebody learn creativity?
Hold steady on the trigger this time
Walk away counting backwards from nine
Holdin' his breath so to start his own dying"
this will be the exception. but fuck what a great song. (dispatch - time served.)
And so it seems... only in dreams."
most times when i write lyrics it has to do with thoughts or feelings that i have in a current situation in my life, and this of course is no exception.
my name is simon, i like music alot. i love making people laugh. it makes me feel complete. I want people to be happy they know me. consciously. If i'm in a room, and somebody enteres the room and looks around, i dont want to sink into the wallpaper. i like looking into girls eyes. i'll never really know, but i hope i have deep eyes. I dont want to be better at something then somebody based on some scale, that's stupid. I want to learn to only trust people that'll trust me. It's not like the other people i trust aren't trust worthy, it's just that if they dont trust me to tell them the things that i trust them to tell them, then they probably aren't the people that i should be talking to. I should treat my acquantances as acquantances. Friends as friends. Love interests as love interests. best friends as they deserve. I love my friends. I wouldn't be who i am without them. and i like who i am. and i hope you do too. I think the most important thing about life is enjoyment. I like the word enjoy. enjoy. I dont believe in anything like god or heaven or stuff. I wish i believed in heaven, cause if i did, i wouldn't fear death so much. But i suppose fearing death isn't so bad. It's not like it consumes me. I wonder if i'd lose any friends if i walked around naked for a day. I think if anyone stopped being my friend then they wouldn't have been a very good friend. I would expect people to just say things like "why the fuck did you walk around naked that day?" and i'd be like, "drop it, please." and they wouldn't, but that's okay, cause they'd be my friends, i wouldn't expect any less. i just smiled. it was good. Sometimes just having a consciousness to explore is enough to make me happy. just being here, and living, and thinking, and breathing and seeing and touching and not so much smelling, but those first ones. I think i'd like to light a big fire, then jump through the fire. like not over it, but right through the fire, so that i'm completely incompased with it. I dont think i'd light on fire, cause i'd be moving, and it'd be a short time that i'd be in the fire, my hair might be burnt though, and that would hurt and smell. if i was a plant then i wouldn't be able to think cause i'd just be a plant. but if i was a plant and could think, then i hope i'd never know about the wonders of motion, because then i could be happy in my ignorance. If i was a plant and knew about people, and how they had jobs and friends and that they procreated, then i'd wish that i could do that. Y'know with evolution, how we were supposed to have come from apes and stuff. well, it'd be really weird if all those levels existed. and there were apes that were almost human, and humans that were almost apes, and nobody knew who was human and who was an ape, and people would get upset if they lost their job to somebody who they thought was just an ape. but the employers would probably disagree. because they wouldn't want to hire a stupid ape. And then there'd be some people who would think that it would be really gross to sleep with an ape, even if the ape was pretty close to being a human, and then there'd be hairy people that were mostly human, and nobody would sleep with them, cause they'd think they were an ape. But then they'd talk to them and find out they're actually a good person. And some people would start shaving their arms and backs to look more like a human, except for people that were mostly apes, then they'd want to sleep with apes. cause that's what they'd be. mostly. And it'd be really weird. and some people would think it's okay to walk around with no clothes, cause they let the apes do it. And some people would have apes as pets. but the apes wouldn't be that smart so they'd be okay with it, as long as they were fed their ape food. I think if i was an ape i'd still want to sleep with humans, but i dont really know, cause i'm not an ape. It'd be neat if the letter carrier was mostly an ape. I think that apes and humans should get along in this ape human world. but then that guy that lost his job to a hairy dude might be mad at all hairy people for the rest of his life. and that's not fair to other nice hairy people. It's prejudice. I'd like it if it was hot out and i was walking down the street and a fire hidrant burst and there was water everywhere all of a sudden and it was raining, but not really, it was just the hidrant. and then it cooled me off, and a whole bunch of people just started enjoying the water from the hidrant, and some people were singing, some people were skipping around, and some people were lying down just smiling and having their eyes shut to keep the water out of thier eyes. I'd be one of the people lying down, but first i'd be one of the people running and playing, then i'd get tired, and lie down. it's weird to put my hand on my chest and feel my heart beat and think that if it stopped beating then i'd die. but i know it wont. it's good to know that wont happen. and it's neat to know that even though i have no reason to "know" that. just that it has for so many years. There's no reason for me to think that it'll beat again, no reason for me to think it'll stop. i've only gotten 2 year books, one in grade 9, and one in grade 12. Carolyn McLeod wrote the same thing in both of them. That was to keep smiling. I think that's a nice thing to be told to do. In grade 9 she wrote 'similing' though, instead of smiling. but that's okay, i got the idea. Not a bad thing to be known for i dont think. known for the person that smiles. I can deal with that. It's been really fun thinking and typing my thoughts for the past 45 minutes or so. i hope you enjoyed them, i really do. my name is simon.
I dont like how much i want to get away. I'm just hoping that my attitude will change, cause it hasn't been up to snuff as of late. Things are always great when i'm not thinking, music helps me to not think. But when i'm thinking of things, i keep dwelling on sad stuff. And i dont understand why. I know that i'm no worse off then i would've been a few weeks ago, but there's such a huge change in my thought processes. and i want it to stop. I think if i move away when i'm sad then people wont like me. I think at the end of this message i'm going to get rid of the comment system, cause i think that i rely too much on opinions of others, if you've actually got something to say, you probably have my email address.
I'd feel better if i had a reason for all this.
i got into residence though. kickass.
i realize this is dull, but nothing has happened.
talk to everyone later.
tick tick tick tick
hello time bomb.
finally
I've been waiting for some time to not want to leave. I've found it strange and unsettleing that i've been nothing but looking forward to getting away from this place. Now i'm starting to have at least some feelings of regret and fear about being away from my friends. One might think that it's bad that i'm thinking this, But i'm happy that i am, because it's the right thing to be feeling now.
i love you guys
"I wish i believed in God, so that i could pray for her" - my mom concerning her sick sister.
any thoughts? i was intregued by the statement.
impossibilities are discouraging.
i think i'm best knowing that there's no chance, so as to not waste efforts.
"you wont choke if you never breath,
you wont fall if you never stand up.
you wont fail without hopes
you can't die if you've never lived"
I jumped over the fence.
Eat that chicken little.
I wouldn't enjoy sex with a man at all.
"The kind of morning that lasts all afternoon, just stuck inside the gloom."
can somebody learn creativity?
If you were born in a white room with nothing in it except for a constant supply of food, would you ever laugh? How long till you die? would you take your own life if you have no reason to believe there's anything else?
"Hold up the firing line
Hold steady on the trigger this time
Walk away counting backwards from nine
Holdin' his breath so to start his own dying"
this will be the exception. but fuck what a great song. (dispatch - time served.)
"But when we wake, it's all been erased.
And so it seems... only in dreams."
most times when i write lyrics it has to do with thoughts or feelings that i have in a current situation in my life, and this of course is no exception.
I dont know what i plan to say, but it's been a while since i've said much. Except for the truman speel. Which looking back was, although negative, a fairly solid speel. It's hard to believe that i could let myself get so wrapped into you. Today was a good day, parts of today were less good then other parts, but i suppose regardless of your day, that would be the case. I think i learned a little bit from being down for a few days, which sounds like a good thing, but i dont like what i learned, I think that when you're feeling down, it's not necessarily due to any event in your life, it's just kinda the way you are, and it's not something that you can just be talked through. And that's not good to know, cause i always used to try and cheer unhappy people up. and i'm learning that if they're unhappy, then there's not much i can do about that, and that's not fun. But i guess even if i can't make them overall happy, i might be able to make them forget, and laugh a little. I'll still do what i can. Cant stop. Cant stop. Can't stop Can't STop Can't stop CANt Stop Can't STOP. Greebus fucking, BLAHBARLEYSHARKLINER. ahem, "ever wonder if it's all for you?" i certainly have, thanks for asking.
my name is simon, i like music alot. i love making people laugh. it makes me feel complete. I want people to be happy they know me. consciously. If i'm in a room, and somebody enteres the room and looks around, i dont want to sink into the wallpaper. i like looking into girls eyes. i'll never really know, but i hope i have deep eyes. I dont want to be better at something then somebody based on some scale, that's stupid. I want to learn to only trust people that'll trust me. It's not like the other people i trust aren't trust worthy, it's just that if they dont trust me to tell them the things that i trust them to tell them, then they probably aren't the people that i should be talking to. I should treat my acquantances as acquantances. Friends as friends. Love interests as love interests. best friends as they deserve. I love my friends. I wouldn't be who i am without them. and i like who i am. and i hope you do too. I think the most important thing about life is enjoyment. I like the word enjoy. enjoy. I dont believe in anything like god or heaven or stuff. I wish i believed in heaven, cause if i did, i wouldn't fear death so much. But i suppose fearing death isn't so bad. It's not like it consumes me. I wonder if i'd lose any friends if i walked around naked for a day. I think if anyone stopped being my friend then they wouldn't have been a very good friend. I would expect people to just say things like "why the fuck did you walk around naked that day?" and i'd be like, "drop it, please." and they wouldn't, but that's okay, cause they'd be my friends, i wouldn't expect any less. i just smiled. it was good. Sometimes just having a consciousness to explore is enough to make me happy. just being here, and living, and thinking, and breathing and seeing and touching and not so much smelling, but those first ones. I think i'd like to light a big fire, then jump through the fire. like not over it, but right through the fire, so that i'm completely incompased with it. I dont think i'd light on fire, cause i'd be moving, and it'd be a short time that i'd be in the fire, my hair might be burnt though, and that would hurt and smell. if i was a plant then i wouldn't be able to think cause i'd just be a plant. but if i was a plant and could think, then i hope i'd never know about the wonders of motion, because then i could be happy in my ignorance. If i was a plant and knew about people, and how they had jobs and friends and that they procreated, then i'd wish that i could do that. Y'know with evolution, how we were supposed to have come from apes and stuff. well, it'd be really weird if all those levels existed. and there were apes that were almost human, and humans that were almost apes, and nobody knew who was human and who was an ape, and people would get upset if they lost their job to somebody who they thought was just an ape. but the employers would probably disagree. because they wouldn't want to hire a stupid ape. And then there'd be some people who would think that it would be really gross to sleep with an ape, even if the ape was pretty close to being a human, and then there'd be hairy people that were mostly human, and nobody would sleep with them, cause they'd think they were an ape. But then they'd talk to them and find out they're actually a good person. And some people would start shaving their arms and backs to look more like a human, except for people that were mostly apes, then they'd want to sleep with apes. cause that's what they'd be. mostly. And it'd be really weird. and some people would think it's okay to walk around with no clothes, cause they let the apes do it. And some people would have apes as pets. but the apes wouldn't be that smart so they'd be okay with it, as long as they were fed their ape food. I think if i was an ape i'd still want to sleep with humans, but i dont really know, cause i'm not an ape. It'd be neat if the letter carrier was mostly an ape. I think that apes and humans should get along in this ape human world. but then that guy that lost his job to a hairy dude might be mad at all hairy people for the rest of his life. and that's not fair to other nice hairy people. It's prejudice. I'd like it if it was hot out and i was walking down the street and a fire hidrant burst and there was water everywhere all of a sudden and it was raining, but not really, it was just the hidrant. and then it cooled me off, and a whole bunch of people just started enjoying the water from the hidrant, and some people were singing, some people were skipping around, and some people were lying down just smiling and having their eyes shut to keep the water out of thier eyes. I'd be one of the people lying down, but first i'd be one of the people running and playing, then i'd get tired, and lie down. it's weird to put my hand on my chest and feel my heart beat and think that if it stopped beating then i'd die. but i know it wont. it's good to know that wont happen. and it's neat to know that even though i have no reason to "know" that. just that it has for so many years. There's no reason for me to think that it'll beat again, no reason for me to think it'll stop. i've only gotten 2 year books, one in grade 9, and one in grade 12. Carolyn McLeod wrote the same thing in both of them. That was to keep smiling. I think that's a nice thing to be told to do. In grade 9 she wrote 'similing' though, instead of smiling. but that's okay, i got the idea. Not a bad thing to be known for i dont think. known for the person that smiles. I can deal with that. It's been really fun thinking and typing my thoughts for the past 45 minutes or so. i hope you enjoyed them, i really do. my name is simon.
feelin' fine.
thanks for the emails you two. I dont understand how i get complimented for talking about my feelings when i feel like it's a cheap way to get attention and pity. It's not hard to do, it's just cheap. It's being a good day today. it's hot though.
by the way, it'd be prefered if this wasn't brought up in person. I'm happier when i'm not thinking, so if i'm peaceful with my ingorance that'd be gooder.
I dont think it's healthy, but i'm pretty sure that i wish i was truman. y'know, from his show, the truman show. It'd be neat. Everyone would appear to be on their own schedule, doing what they want. But in actuality, they're all concentrating on me. wondering what i'm thinking. Wondering what i'll do. I would be the center point of everyone's life. but yeah, that's not the case. It occured to me while i was playing basketball last night, i was playing alone, everyone else was talking. I was first thinking, i wonder what they think of me, i wonder if they think i'm doing okay, i wonder if i am doing okay. I just sunk 3 long ones in a row, I bet that looked classy. And then i started thinking slightly differently, in that i figured that they were just all assuming that i like basketball, and that's why i played. And that was a little more disapointing. Cause it would mean that they weren't thinking increadably hard when thinking of me and my thoughts. Then i believe i started thinking reasonably, it occured to me, that chances were pretty good that they were thinkign about their conversations that they were having. then i was getting into "why the fuck am i so self centered to think that they'd be thinking of me? i'm not thinking of them and their feelings, who the fuck am i?" and that's sorta where i still am, wondering why i thought myself to be the center of the universe, and i'm convincing myself otherwise.
I dont like how much i want to get away. I'm just hoping that my attitude will change, cause it hasn't been up to snuff as of late. Things are always great when i'm not thinking, music helps me to not think. But when i'm thinking of things, i keep dwelling on sad stuff. And i dont understand why. I know that i'm no worse off then i would've been a few weeks ago, but there's such a huge change in my thought processes. and i want it to stop. I think if i move away when i'm sad then people wont like me. I think at the end of this message i'm going to get rid of the comment system, cause i think that i rely too much on opinions of others, if you've actually got something to say, you probably have my email address.
I'd feel better if i had a reason for all this.
it's so short, i might pass for 14.
i got into residence though. kickass.
"since when did it matter if the outside would fit in" - 54-40 (since when)
one other thing, i talked to the OUC people today, and i'm going to be able to get into computer science okay, and i dont know about where i'm living or if i'll be in english or if it's okay that i dont have any money yet. but i called, and wheels are turning, so that's good.
Hi, i'm not 100%, which is too bad, i'm healthy and all, but not as happy as i'd like to be, i think it has something to do with not knowing what i want in any aspect of my life, it'd be nice to have some certainties. I'm quite happy for jenna, that must rock, i've been there, and i'll be there again, but it's awesome to hear you having so much happy in you. As for everyone else, i'm not really worth worrying about, I'm not doing so bad, and i'll act happy, so you wont notice.
i'm home, write me or call me.